Reminisce

Lately it seems you've been draining out

your state of mind hanging out of balance

while waging another bout.

Take a respirator to remember

but barley can afford life's breath

time passes...

and then well realize how short the period 

that is life and eternal rest.

Even though this heart has been broken, mended, but may never heal

mere words are barely adequate to the emotions that are real.

maybe what they say is true "why mess with a good thing?"

good friends are hard to find, but when found are easy to keep... at least thats what i was told. i say the best friends are the ones you have to struggle with, fight for, and witness reality of life with.  i guess thats always been hard for me. with so many groups of friends its hard for me to decipher the ones who are actually there for me, and the ones who are there to in one way or another use me.  today was one of those reminiscing days. i realized im one to fuck up a lot. i dont know if its something i do above average or not, but its the truth. so many things im sorry for. ive been the reason why i lose so many friends i guess, but not in the "i stabbed them in the back" type of way. more like, i should have paid more attention to them or in some cases less attention to them. but its hard.

im hoping that one day this handful of individuals and i can go back to the days where we actually talked. because i enjoyed your company. because you actually listened. because we promised "friends forever no matter what". 

 " i went to school for fourteen years and my best teacher was experience"

LikeFatherLikeSon

i always thought that i could split my family life from the life i want to live. but today that changed. i guess i realized that a person cant truly hide who they are, and how they feel, one way or another no matter how hard a person tries its just impossible. it was exactly 10 months and 27 days since me and my dad actually talked to each other. i know because 10 months and 27 days ago was my birthday. and today of all days, my brothers birthday. is a day i will never forget.

everyday i wake up to angry voices, so it seemed normal. but today was different, it was my brothers birthday. i got up so we could all go to church as a family.  and as i brush my teeth my dad walks in. another one of his fucking fits. "your useless" "your the reason the family is broken" "you take up room in the house and i want you out". He was mad because i took so long to get up and he thought i didnt want to go. it might be my fault that it all started but i guess ill never know. for the first time i replied with all the feeling i had bottled up inside of me, after all the verbal abuse, i looked him straight in the eye and yelled louder than ever have, "stop acting like you care" and that was that. he looked at me in a way a father should never look at his own blood, his own son. and as i felt my back hit the wall i closed my eyes in fear. before i realize the pain, i see the blood on my face in the mirror. 

now theyre gone to mass and im left here by myself, tears flowing from my eyes. all i can remember is my dad. when we used to talk for hours. play basketball. go biking. he was MY ROLE MODEL. and i cant help but feel that this whole time of me not saying anything is because im exactly like him.  i will never hit my children, i dont give a fuck how much they piss me off. i will never EVER hit my kids.  so here i am packing my bags, ready for the worst. i have a few hours to think. its exactly what i need. i just pray to God that i stop failing myself, failing my family. and as much as i want to say sorry, i cant. as much as i want to tell them i love them i cant. im not a kid anymore, im not gonna act like it.  i am so thankful for everything i have and everything ive been given. but today i have to let it all go, im tired of hurting my parents. my sister, my brother. i cant stay here. im hoping that following my dads last words to me will show him that i still respect him like i always have. "pack your things, your no son of mine."

i love you dad and im sorry

MyFirstLove

As the loud chants and screams filled the gym i find myself looking at the scoreboard, it reads holy cross down two points to notre dame. and my eyes are locked on the final free throws hoping only that the pressure that is put on him overwhelms him. and when he missed both, my heart started beating slower. as the noise got louder i found my ears got more deaf. my full focus on the basketball knowing that holy cross has only one possession to tie or win game.  The three ball goes up in the air and misses, as the buzzer rings my heart isn't only broken because we lost, but because i realized how much i miss the game itself.  I played basketball for 15 out of 18 years of my life.  bringing me back to childhood when my dad bought me my Fischer price basketball hoop.  Teaching me everything from fundamentals to discipline.  I miss the close games, the championships, knowing your playing with the best in the province.  I'm a competitive person, i was just raised like that.  All the sweat and tears i put into basketball could fill swimming pools. and as i look back to what i know will be my glory days, physically all i have is a bad ankle a couple trophies, medals, and player of the game t-shirts. But in the mindset, basketball molded me to who i am today.  Now that its over i realize how much i actually got out of it.  Putting hard work towards something you love is more than worth it.  and looking back now, watching the little guys that looked up to my team, watching them do it just like we did. Man thatll make a grown man cry. i miss the game. ill always love it.

MoveIfYouWanna

Now having "my body as an instrument of God used through the movement of my soul only to evangelize..." That's all changed. Nowadays everyone who is anyone dances. The Ballers lace up their vans turn on the beat and their once pro-hop turns to hip-hop. I used to dance strictly for God, now I dance because I love it. The struggle of my faith vs the real world - the battle rages on. Dance for God, Dance for love, Dance for fun, Dance for Confidence, Dance for your Mama, Dance because its cool, Dance because its the only thing your good at.

I recently moved my room around, its like no matter what im doing, in my head im still moving. Never not listening to a beat. "Shit forgot my iPod..." then the people on the sky train think they see a retard moving in his seat to a jam that only he can hear in the quietest most loud studio where choreography flows faster the the blood through his veins known as my mind. Now Freestyle...key word FREE. Pay tribute to the beat, to the lyrics, to the melody. I used to think of dancing for God, now its like God himself proves he exists through the marriage of music and movement. Alright enough talk I need to dance...

MeetMy#2

Not a number 1.. and who knows that the other numbers mean?

LifeAsIKnowIt, thats me#2. For all my homeboys and homegirls who go to school, being the smart#1's in their lives making their future happen just like everyone else. I was never "1" to be like every"1" else. So I dont go to school. But that doesnt mean I wont make it. I dont want to be successful in school taking something, not even knowing how its gonna help me achieve my career. Id like to think i make things happen on my own. NeverBookSmart. Always-StreetSmart. In the eyes of the common commoner I would be seen as "going nowhere"...but fuck that. Who said the paths of life only flowed in one direction? My guilty pleasure is proving people wrong. Point being, I dont need to be number one.. to me, myself, or anybody. Number 2 is comfortable as fuck, and everyone knows the underdog has nothing to lose. 

Ive never been a number one... Theres always someone that means more to me, somehow ahead of me, or just plain better... nothing beats motivation.