LikeFatherLikeSon

i always thought that i could split my family life from the life i want to live. but today that changed. i guess i realized that a person cant truly hide who they are, and how they feel, one way or another no matter how hard a person tries its just impossible. it was exactly 10 months and 27 days since me and my dad actually talked to each other. i know because 10 months and 27 days ago was my birthday. and today of all days, my brothers birthday. is a day i will never forget.

everyday i wake up to angry voices, so it seemed normal. but today was different, it was my brothers birthday. i got up so we could all go to church as a family.  and as i brush my teeth my dad walks in. another one of his fucking fits. "your useless" "your the reason the family is broken" "you take up room in the house and i want you out". He was mad because i took so long to get up and he thought i didnt want to go. it might be my fault that it all started but i guess ill never know. for the first time i replied with all the feeling i had bottled up inside of me, after all the verbal abuse, i looked him straight in the eye and yelled louder than ever have, "stop acting like you care" and that was that. he looked at me in a way a father should never look at his own blood, his own son. and as i felt my back hit the wall i closed my eyes in fear. before i realize the pain, i see the blood on my face in the mirror. 

now theyre gone to mass and im left here by myself, tears flowing from my eyes. all i can remember is my dad. when we used to talk for hours. play basketball. go biking. he was MY ROLE MODEL. and i cant help but feel that this whole time of me not saying anything is because im exactly like him.  i will never hit my children, i dont give a fuck how much they piss me off. i will never EVER hit my kids.  so here i am packing my bags, ready for the worst. i have a few hours to think. its exactly what i need. i just pray to God that i stop failing myself, failing my family. and as much as i want to say sorry, i cant. as much as i want to tell them i love them i cant. im not a kid anymore, im not gonna act like it.  i am so thankful for everything i have and everything ive been given. but today i have to let it all go, im tired of hurting my parents. my sister, my brother. i cant stay here. im hoping that following my dads last words to me will show him that i still respect him like i always have. "pack your things, your no son of mine."

i love you dad and im sorry